Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You ate ashes out of my bong
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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