I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
