Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
