my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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