i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
