mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
