Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
