In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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