I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
