White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
