The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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