Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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