I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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