Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
