Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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