Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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