Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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