i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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