i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
In America we eat man semen.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
