he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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