I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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