i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
