i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
