One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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