I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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