Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize