apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
