Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
