Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
