im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
