Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
