He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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