i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
