I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Holy sore nipples Batman
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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