When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I supernannyed him into submission
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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