I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
