omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize