there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
