They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
