Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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