you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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