this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
