I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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