Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
zippers are such a cool invention
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize