dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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