mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
