I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
as a side note pls kill me
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
