I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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