I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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