accomplished twins. life is a go
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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