a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
