I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
