how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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