I wish my penis had an off switch
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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