Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
