This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
