My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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