do herpes really smell.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
