ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
