my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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