Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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