I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
