Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
