Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
