i love accidental penises.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
